| A proper functioning and a happiness of a family are strictly connected with proper relationships between the family members. |
| What can be considered proper relationships? Of course, here we can find many different opinions. There are various models of family relations, and they kept changing throughout the generations and the cultures, and they still do. Although, there are some basic values, attitudes and behaviors that were always producing good results, whereas neglecting them, a lack of them were resulting with negative consequences. |
| Now, especially in so-called "advanced" countries, we notice a crash of the institution of a family, a crash of family values. We should try to figure who is responsible for this situation - not in order to point the guilty ones, but to find out where the mistakes were made, and what kind of mistakes, so we can take some proper steps to correct them. |
| There is a freedom in America, and we should cherish it. But, we have to use this freedom wisely. We cannot give kids too much freedom, in the name of respecting their personal freedom. In theory, it could sound attractive, fair, and right. But a practice proved it is not so. Of course, we should respect a child as a person, we should consider his feelings, let him present his opinion, take seriously his remarks. But, we should remember he's still a child. To assume, to pretend he is an EQUAL partner and to treat him like an equal partner is a mistake. How can we expect a kid to be able to make a proper judgment, proper decisions, so he can decide for himself? He doesn't have enough information, enough experience, and is not mentally prepared to fully consider all the consequences of his behavior. He needs our guidance, our support, he needs to be able to rely on somebody he can trust - no matter if he realizes that or not, no matter if he wants to admit it - even before himself. |
| I and my husband Witold, we think - and there are more and more voices, not just in the USA, repeating the same conclusions - that there are two major factors affecting family relationships in a very negative way. |
| One is not really parents' fault, and it is not easy to be corrected, the other one depends on us, parents, and it is correctable, but it requires all the parents take action and make some changes in their attitude. |
| The first factor that influences our family relations, thus our entire society, is the fact that parents do not have enough time for their kids. As I said, we cannot blame parents for that now - today for more families it is a necessity. Very rarely a mother decides to leave home only to satisfy her ambition, to make career, to gain prestige. Although, that's how it started a few decades ago, when the emancipation movement was initiated. Was it really worth to fight for the right not to be different from men? Of course, women gained a lot, but they also lost a lot. What is a balance - positive or negative - every woman has to answer herself. Who lost for sure on this "achievement", are kids. Canned or boxed dinners are for many of them an every day's reality. Television movies create their general belies, their system of values, their picture of the world - not a loving, caring mother, not a wise, respected father. Computer is their partner for games - not parents spending quality time with a kid. Internet is a mean for social life - not family visits |
| Parents have no control over whom their children visit, and whom they invite home - who influences their kids' mind, who creates his picture of the world. Kids can see parents always in hurry, many times irritated, many times stressed out, having no time to listen to their kids no matter what they would like to say - whether to share their joy, or to seek a help in a problem situation. |
| As I said, we cannot blame parents for this, although, we can help them to some extend. A part of it is consulting we do, and the Silva Stress Management Seminars that we conduct. |
| The other factor is a mistake so commonly made by parents. I don't know, how long ago it started here, in the USA - probably about 35-40 years ago - I'm guessing only based on the American movies Witold and I watched. In European western countries it started probably about the same time like in the USA. In Poland, it started relatively not long ago, but it grows so fast and the results are shocking. What is it? What did parents make they should not? - They started to try too much to be a friend, a partner, a buddy to the kid, instead of being a parent at the first place. They started to worry too much not to loose kid's love and approval, or even worse - to buy kid's love and approval by saying "yes" when they should say "no", by saying "maybe" when they should firmly say "no way", by allowing kids to expect negotiation in every situation, what made parents having to explain, to excuse their decision, sometimes even to defend it, which eventually turns into an argument. A horrible picture: a mother - or a father - and a child screaming at each other. Lack of respect. Lack of authority. And when there is lack of authority, kids get lost. They don't feel safe, secure, they loose a "point of support". They lack a role model, somebody they could feel respect for and rely on. A strong parent knowing in every situation where he goes, calm, confident, firm, incorruptible, dignified. Somebody a kid could have confidence in, although sometimes he may not like him. It is OK if we are not popular for a while. It is OK if kids dislike us for a moment. Our role is not to be popular, good buddies - our role is to be parents - sometimes the tough ones. |
| Witold and I watched a few years ago a program on TV about this issue. A guy in Sweden, about 30 years of age, was making a very sad confession: he was visiting a Polish village, and watching the relations in the country family he was living with, he realized what he lacks, what he was missing, what his entire generation lost. He missed forever the warmth of a traditional family nest. He never really had a Mom, a Dad. He just had one more male buddy named Bion, and one more female buddy named Ingrid. No mysterious bond, souls connection between Mom and son, no deep men friendship between Dad and son. Lots of freedom instead - so much that if a kid didn't like something his parents did or said to him, he could call police that a parent abused his personal freedom. |
| We will talk more about this subject in one of our books we're writing. |
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